| the first elegy |
[May. 2nd, 2008|03:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | coltrane, "the night has a thousand eyes." | ] |
Who, if I shouted, among the hierarchy of angels
would hear me? And supposing one of them
took me suddenly to his heart, I would perish
before his stronger existence. For beauty is nothing
but the beginning of terror we can just barely endure,
and we admire it so because it calmly disdains
to destroy us. Every angel is terrible.
And so I restrain myself and swallow the luring call
of dark sobbing. Ah, whom can we use then?
Not angels, not men, and the shrewd animals
notice that we're not very much at home
in the world we've expounded. Maybe on the hill-slope
some tree or other remains for us, so that
we see it every day; yesterday's street is left us,
and the gnarled fidelity of an old habit
that was comfortable with us and never wanted to ( leave. )
(rainer maria rilke, trans. by c.f. macintyre) |
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| oh gemini |
[Apr. 29th, 2008|12:07 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | joe strummer, 'long shadow.' | ] |
You are The Magician
Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.
Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.
The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out. |
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| no new thing |
[Apr. 25th, 2008|02:15 pm] |
I can't believe the cops who killed Sean Bell got off. I feel sick.
I'm sure most of you in nyc already know about this, but just in case:
( There is a rally today at 5:30 in Queens. )
G-d. |
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| sustenance |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|07:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good, now. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | emmylou, 'half as much.' | ] |
For dinner tonight I had 2 beers, 3 pierogies, and an ungodly portion of brussel sprouts. The sprouts were amazing-- seared a little on the outside with butter and cayenne and maple syrup and shallots. (Yes, bacon would have benefited them.) In fairness I'm still working on the second bottle of beer, but I like the symmetry of enumeration.
By my side is Jasbir Puar's terrorist assemblages, which I snatched away from my boyfriend. I'm really looking forward to digging into it, but in the meantime it's triggering small panics. Ms Puar, you see, is on the faculty at Rutgers' "Women's and Gender" studies program, along with my beloved Elizabeth Grosz and I imagine a fair number of other brilliant thinkers. It makes me wonder if I should be applying there, and places like it. What do I have to gain by doing philosophy institutionally? Why am I so stuck on it? |
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| cafe |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|09:57 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | caffeine | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  whee! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Adolescents, 'Creatures.' | ] |
Brooklyn Java from Fairway is kind of amazing-- one cup and I'm not only speedy and euphoric, I'm invincible! |
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| think I'll pack it in/buy a pick-up |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|10:04 am] |
Found this via ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) yezida but it perfectly summarizes my situation:
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| reading |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|08:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "still ill" stuck in my head. | ] |
deren, divine horsemen
foucault, the use of pleasure
gleason, oya: in praise of the goddess |
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| Northampton/Leverett, MA: help! |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|11:57 am] |
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So, I just found out that I am going to need a place to crash in the Leverett, MA area (near Northampton) on the night of Saturday the 15th-- do you guys know anybody who might be able to help me out? Thank you! |
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| distillation |
[Mar. 6th, 2008|05:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  huzun. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | going to malibu. | ] |
Bought a big bottle of cheap brandy last week for the boeuf bourguignon and I don't know what to do with the $11.50 worth that remains. Cherries jubilee, offerings to rival gods, endless pan-scraping reductions? Twilight's settling outside on the avenue that never seems to let enough light in. I guess I could use the brandy to make tinctures, maybe. |
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| pleasure in making |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|01:13 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | iron, work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | good but still kinda sick. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cow hooking blues #2 | ] |
Damn, it feels good to work on this article finally! Ever since I revised it for that conference all the way back in December, I have been procrastinating like never before. But since the Hypatia deadline is April, and it's definitely March now, I figured I needed to get cracking. So here I am, listening to Mississippi John Hurt and drinking Diet Dr Pepper, just like the good ol' days.
It feels good to produce, and refine, and carve, take care. It feels good to light a candle and make a prayer first (the "blessing the path" standby) and feel my work flowing, feel my competence flowing from my passion and feeding my pride and focus. |
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| winds, buzzards, butter |
[Mar. 2nd, 2008|11:42 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | dreams | ] |
| [ | music |
| | patty griffin, "truth #2." | ] |
Last night I dreamed of whipping winds, praying to see my spirit animal and instead of the expected red-tail hawk looking up to see feathery black buzzards swarming the sky. Later my mom and I were in a health-food store and she helped me pick out the right tube of cocoa butter, humectant and creamy. |
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| radical jewish monism |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|05:13 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | leonard cohen, 'a bunch of lonesome heroes.' | ] |
Polytheism and Nonduality, by Jay Michaelson.
I don't want to trip my hair-trigger of sloppy and ergo confusing thealogy, so suffice it to say that I found the above thought-provoking and would be curious to hear your perspective. |
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| pride/hide |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
Tonight has been really good. I went for dinner at a taqueria I really like with an old/new friend who I'm happy to be seeing more of; she's warm and smart and genuine and great to chew the fat with. I came into a leather jacket that makes me feel strangely blessed, a mantle of accumulated butch strength on my shoulders. It was so cold out I thought I'd have to take a train over, but luckily I decided to walk the 3 avenues 16 blocks over with twilight lasting longer than I thought, the stars only blinking out in the cold on my way home. |
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| belated brigid |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|08:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worn out and sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dusty springfield from the other room. | ] |
What do I dedicate myself to on Brigid's day,
the ground still frozen with the sun up late?
What can I pledge when I need a lens of ice
and a hammer to smash to the core?
I need her iron forge, something to sledge through the freeze
craft glass out of water to cup between my ribs
and sharpen the shining fractals of my solar plexus,
til I feel the pulse, this pulse of will
a sunhot ray sluicing out a canyon of ice
pooling clear cool water at the mouth of her well. |
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| on reading susun weed and pema chodron in quick succession: |
[Jan. 31st, 2008|08:00 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | feri, kala | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv and roommates in the background. | ] |
I just finished reading Healing Wise. In it, Susun Weed identifies 3 different traditions of healing, all of whose techniques can interpenetrate in any number of ways: the scientific, the heroic, and the wise woman. (You can see more here if you don't have her wonderful book.) She talks about the Heroic tradition as one that identifies health with stringent purification and purity. On this model, illness comes from accumulated toxins: physical, spiritual, emotional. So taking care of one's own health means taking responsibility for having accumulated these toxins and having "made" yourself sick; your charge is to be spiritually and physically pure enough to be Healthy.
If you were only spiritual/magical/powerful/kala enough, you wouldn't be sick/feel cranky/have anxiety.
I just started reading The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chodron points out that the goal is not to transcend our supposed limitations or faults. The point, as she articulates it, is simply to see yourself as you are, with gentleness and precision. "So whether it's anger or craving or jealousy or fear or depression--whatever it might be-- the notion is not to try to get rid of it, but to make friends with it," she writes. "That means getting to know it completely, with some kind of softness, and learning how, once you've experienced it fully, to let go."
As loveandpower points out, kala is not a hammer. |
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| roll up the heavens within his hands |
[Jan. 25th, 2008|10:19 am] |
| [ | music |
| | meshell, "evolution." | ] |
Meshell's new album is really growing on me. At first I thought it was too slapdash trip-hoppy rock but the deep funk logic is starting to emerge. Every time she sings "Jesus is coming/to tell you/that he is not God" I get chills up my spine. And nevermind when she proclaims our worldly purpose as "to make love/and manifest Creation." You should check The World Has Made Me The Man of My Dreams out.
As an aside, looking for work continues to suck. I trailed at this wonderful fancy Italian place last night with the most placid kitchen I've ever been in. The chef was really reserved, calm, and serious, which was a strange change. As Taylor put it, I really want to work in a kitchen where a man's telling me what to do. But, nu, we'll see. I'm more stressed out at the prospect of working 55 hour weeks for peanuts and not having any time to see people with normal schedules. |
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| notes on early winter |
[Jan. 11th, 2008|06:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | about to go on a date | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "riding in my soul spaceship..." | ] |
( huh. )
I'm here, falling harder in love with this city and worrying my fingers over what'll happen come April when letters start coming in. Feeling increasingly attuned to energy moving in and through my body. Feeling much more introverted (these past few months) than I have in memory, wondering what my 19-yr-old self would think. |
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| dark hollow rd |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholic, ha | ] |
| [ | music |
| | midnight moonlight in my head. | ] |
I love being home in the country, where the only slats of light falling harshly bright on my floor are from the moon outside my window. G-d.
Catching a little of the rerun final episode of "Tila Tequila" made me feel sad. The butch girl who is so much cuter than the boy is going on about how she's opened up so much by falling for Tila, and totally playing the more-devoted-boi card as Tila sort of smiles off her sentiment- and meanwhile, the run of the mill straight boy says nothing terribly interesting and gets the girl. Yes, I am totally reading too much into it, but whatever, it's the first time I've watched TV in more than a week. |
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| the lion the lion did crown the king |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|06:35 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | "transition" | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  quiet, it's dark out. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sinead singing Jah No Dead. | ] |
How does newness come into the world? How is it born? Of what fusions, translations, conjoinings is it made? How does it survive, extreme and dangerous as it is? What compromises, what deals, what betrayals of its secret nature must it make to stave off the wrecking crew, the exterminating angel?
(---salman rushdie, the satanic verse |
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| the solar anus of hand in glove |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|04:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sedated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hand in glove. | ] |
In "Hand in Glove," does Morrissey really sing "the sun shines out of our behinds"? How did it take me so long to hear that lyric?!
Also, today is my last day of work. In half an hour I will schlep my heavy shit to Port Authority in the company of my gay former co-worker, who is herself a Jersey girl.
For the good life is out there somewhere... |
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